This weeks been pretty fucking difficult. Apart from having a few good wins like the MacBook repair, PTSD has been dragging me down a fuck ton everyday from when I wake up till the time I’ve sufficiently medicated with cannabis. The space cake I got from my pharmacy which is 34% is doing great for pain and PTSD though and so is the Dantez Inferno at 32%, THC just seems to be the chemical that works best for best for me. I also haven’t checked in with my therapist yet, since we rearranged for this weekend but she’s got a ton on so I purposefully said take time to rest instead. Sounds weird but afterwards it gave me a moment where I suddenly felt like my old self again. No crisis when things changed away from the original plan and I actually went as far as to say don’t worry about this week, take the time to rest instead. Which is something my old self would have been like which feels a lot more caring and was honestly kind of a nice change. My therapist does everything within her means to keep me on the right tracks, so I figured it would be nice to try take the pressure off wherever possible and is the least I could do. But even when I feel like things are progressing for myself or things are evening out and at least becoming more stable, there always has to be some incident that brings me down and brings everything back to step 1 again.
My mum and sister offered to come over for a bit because my hair had matted up some from lying in bed for practically a month in pain and just now recovering to which I’m feeling a lot better now. It was at a point where I just needed someone else to help with it, so I was extremely grateful especially considering my sister took the dog for a walk around the block for him to let of some steam. But it was constant picking, putting me down about things “don’t you think you’d be happy if your place would be tidy?” No shit, but I don’t have the energy or ability to keep it tidy and the 50+ care referrals I’ve had have fallen on deaf ears to the council. I don’t have people around me to help or do shit, so I work with the energy I have based off the pain I’m in. The place was obviously in the works of being sorted, as I’ve washed the flooring, tidied things up, it just wasn’t put together nicely and the kitchens still a dump. But even when I had the place A*, they’ve always found a way to complain and pick faults since I was a kid. My sister ended up bringing the dog in, to which I said can you stay in the bedroom with him whilst he’s excited because things are a mess in here. My mum and sister ignored me for about 5 minutes whilst I continued to say it over and over again and the dog was hyper, eventually the dog comes running over, stands on everything nearly breaking a glass shelf, smacks his head on the bottom of my desk by jumping and not listening, and it all could have been avoided if they just did as I asked. Their excuse was if your place wasn’t messy, wouldn’t have happened, which is irrelevant because I had already explained the living room is in the process of being cleaned out and the bedroom is sorted for him to be able to stay in safely, but just like always my voice and what I have to say doesn’t matter, no one listens and then blames the problems that follow on me. Nothings changed after all this time and it never will, and I’m killing myself by convincing myself that things will ever be any different. No one listens to what I have to say in the family, they treat me like I’m a problem as evidenced by professionals since I was kid and I’m tired of it. If I didn’t listen to something they asked at their house, they would go ballistic. But when I make a request in my own house I get ignored and then blamed for the aftermath, and that pretty much just goes to show how much of a shit people give for what I have to say which has been a feeling I’ve had throughout most my life after not being listened to by anyone about things that have gone on for me. It’s not to say my parents haven’t done things for me, they’ve even said you don’t deny when we say all the things we’ve done for you, because I agree to all of it. But that doesn’t give people a reason or excuse to behave in a manor that effects others in a negative way.
I’m glad that despite what they made out, the house is almost cleared out in preparation for Manchester after having done the floors, all the washing, cleaning every room apart from the kitchen and some of the living room. He will have the roam of the entire house tomorrow so I’l make sure he’s comfortable. It will be good to get away as up north has better food (for a lot cheaper) and I'm really trying to keep up with eating more like I have been recently. Every time I leave the city I always have a sigh of relief to get away so I know it’s the PTSD of what’s happened here making life unlivable and unmanageable here. I try to rectify friendships and family relationships to much at the cost of me just being made out to be the problem or getting hurt again, and I don’t know where I stand with it going forwards as I really miss people, but I’m not here to be unheard and not listened to whilst people carry on doing what they like. I’m hoping getting away for a night will take the edge of and help me stay in a decent way like things have been going, as I’m refusing once I’ve ranted about it to let others effect me and bring me down like they have my whole life. I know who are helpful, I know who I can’t live without and who keeps me stable so I’m not sure why I keep letting the opposite kind of people into my life when all the evidence points to is it’s going to end badly. If I”m made out to be the problem and things always rest on being my fault, that’s fine, but there’s no need to constantly contact me like my parents did for the past month since Christmas when we fell out using guilt trips like presents to persuade me to see them, just for the same shit to happen all over again. Now I know where I stand I just need to not go back on it as I’m tired of letting others make me feel bad, and then blaming me for their actions. I’ve also finished the login and app UI for my SMS mobile app and the background that’s a galaxy with shooting stars looks so good and crisp I’m thinking of replicating it across my projects. It’s not just a GIF image of a galaxy or a video, the stars and shooting stars are generated from code and looks amazing, I might even add it to the blog as I need to change the fireworks from New Years. Hoping the next few days will be steadier and easier and I’m just going to float through them without allowing things to affect me to badly.