I've decided to take a break for a while from coding and being online to catch up on some sleep to regain my sanity. I keep getting compulsive thoughts about killing my family and how I'd do it, pretty twisted I know but I guess that's how you become wired with PTSD, which my own sick mother said I didn't have even after everything I've been through and finally getting the diagnosis. I honestly want to have some normalcy but it feels like I'm never gonna get it, so I guess it's time to shut my brain down for a while and hope it recovers some. Annoyingly I can't even lean on benzos now that I got this script approved, which I guess is a blessing and a curse. I miss dropping xanax and just floating into what feels like space, without any worry or perception of time, I guess I'll just have to get some booze in next week to help with everything.
I know everything's worse because I ran out of cannabis yesterday to, somehow I had mistakenly rationed it wrong and was over 10gs under what I thought I had, leaving me to have to wait around 5 days to get paid and pay for my script. I know the rosin is fucking amazing for both pain and PTSD so I'm looking forward to it, but man the wait is fucking killing me not to mention their not even in stock right now so if they don't come in stock by Christmas I'll just have to get the bud portion of my script.
I miss the old me, where I didn't wanna see the world burn and people hurt/dead, but I guess that's how life shapes you when you've got a family like mine that's purposefully antagonize me. I feel somewhat better now that I've gotten these case notes extracts written up, at least now if anyone that my mum makes out I'm the devil to asks me what my beef is with my family like they've done before, I can just say go look here and you'll find out exactly why. Not to mention there's probably 4-5x more in the case notes that I still have to extract. The funny thing is my mums so twisted that she still doesn't think she's done a damn thing wrong all her life and I guess that's where you gotta throw the towel in after going through my case notes. 99% of the time I'd love to see my family dead bleeding out, the remaining 1% I actually just want us to get on but I'd never dare tempt fate by giving them the chance to hurt me again.
I know if I end up posting these business cards through my parents neighbours doors and doing flyers like I was thinking it would absolutely destroy her, so I think it's wise to give myself a couple days rest before I make the final decision on it. They've hurt me so bad though throughout my entire life that it seems justified to do and would hope it would make me feel like things are more balanced, if she does anything the blood isn't on my hands, I'm just publicizing the truth.
My therapist isn't a fan of an eye for an eye, but it's hard to turn your cheek when everyone's life but mine isn't in tatters. I know my mums delusional as fuck as she told me several times that my therapist should be helping me to better get on with the family, and by that she means be spoken to like shit and put up with it. I feel really sorry for my little sister really considering she got the short end of the stick and she's too manipulated to even know it. My mum fucks with her head so much and upsets her loads but she's been manipulated into thinking that every problem that occurs in the family is my fault, whether I've been living with the family or not. It's sad to see my parents taking advantage of her developmental delay by not letting her leave to be able to claim her benefits and holding her back, it makes me sick when I think about it actually. Think I'm crazy or wrong, go check my care notes, she did the same thing to me and held me back at every possible turn, but she's doing it not just out of spite but for money now with my sister. Also regularly slitting her wrists in front of a autistic girl with brain damage and developmental delay? Yeah, your really the perfect mother aren't you.