Seems like I wasn’t wrong for thinking taking Xanax would help, combined with weed and tramadol the ongoing meltdown I’ve had has been a lot better. I can’t really know for sure what caused it, but not medicating properly with cannabis when I wake up doesn’t help.
Hour into taking Xanax it’s like the order of things that matter get rearranged back to what’s more productive. Having to contain meltdowns, PTSD, neurodivergent or otherwise with tranquilizers just isn’t the best of plays. But when one thing meltdown like PTSD, FND, all other things follow and flare up to. I should probably integrate Xanax back into my daily routine, but how much and when in the question. If I went back to using a ounce a week I would probably be able to advert using so much of other stuff, but bud works and then doesn’t more than it used to since getting diagnosed with FND. strains work for periods and then don’t. It can be really fucking annoying just to manage a stable cannabis routine when things stop and start working so frequently.
Even though Xanax makes it so that I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus, I still get better introspection over decisions and thoughts than I do when I’m stuck in a meltdown for what can be multiple days at a time, so I guess it’s just about juggling drugs without letting them overtake things. Taking a full mg was a bit of a risky decision given that I haven’t had benzos in a while, took a half then half hour later took another half a mg. Combined with tramadol and weed it definitely breaks through any ongoing mental shit. Since using more weed I can feel it fighting inflammation to, so I think I just need to get more bud on board and get 70gs bud, 3 vape carts this upcoming month of medical or even 100gs of bud considering I have vape carts saved up now.
I think next month I need to finally put the small courts application in because I’ve been holding off on it due to the stress that would come with it, but everyday the actions of the police cause my PTSD to be untenable and I’m fed up of it I’ll do a £200 application fee for £2k compensation, as I’m not really fused on the money itself, its more the police being told in court they were wrong for what they did. I know there’s a wait that comes with these sorts of things to, so I won’t have to worry about having to deal with the situation right away. I could wait until the IOPC have wrapped up their corrupt investigation to, as I could say to the courts I was waiting for the investigation process to be full completed even though they are going to cover up the same way PSD did but it feels like it’s effecting me to much on a daily basis now to cope with.
Thinking of taking another mg at midnight as the benzo waves that come with it are calming and what I need to make me feel like the world isn’t exploding. I have to still be careful though as I wouldn’t ever call the NHS with an OD again from how I’ve been treated before and it would effect my tramadol script to. Breathing going shallow is the biggest concern with the mix of drugs I’m taking, so I’ll just have to keep an eye on it. The only thing I don’t like from diazepam and Xanax is the cold feeling they bring on, whilst at the same time making you sweaty as hell. I’m thinking about picking up some concentrates tomorrow when I get paid since I have no bills to pay out and start trying to dab again, as that was the only thing that came close to the strength of benzos or morphine. I just have to limit myself as I would blow through concentrates fast if I don’t. Hopefully the next few days will go by easy if I just spend it in bed on Xanax, I thought I had enough rest for my brain to function better but I’m thinking I’m possibly not caught up enough yet from how much I’ve pushed my body through the last two years. I’m thinking about trying Klonopin or even lorazepam which is what they supposedly said they offered me in hospital but realistically threatened me with haloperidol. But those two are benzos that act slightly different to Xanax, with more of a body feeling like diazepam but short acting potency of Xanax. Whatever it takes to control the things I deal with on a daily basis I’m going to start doing so that I don’t have to suffer through the PTSD as it’s not tolerable any longer.