Woke up this morning at 3am after having therapy yesterday afternoon and going to sleep. Hadn’t slept in a while leading up till then, so when I finally managed to sleep I slept for like 10hrs. When I finally get my answer regarding meds tomorrow, I’m looking forward to have a 2mg bar of xanax and head to sleep again. I told a friend to hold a box of nitrazepam for me too as I pretty much just wanna sleep the entire winter/christmas. Never used nitrazepam but I seen it has a long half life of 24hrs, so gonna have to be careful overlapping it with tramadol or xanax.
Might be a better idea to start with diazepam with it lasting longer if I’m initially gonna use it as a sleep aid and then using xanax throughout the day. Marleys been hard to sort with sleeping so much after not initially being able to sleep, but he’s just gonna have to just get used to this is how shit it. Since I became more physically ill my parents have ripped into me if I as much as get the dog out at a later time, but they fail to understand that my mum with the health issues just lies in bed and her husband does everything, if I had a waiter I’d get him to do my shit without an issue to, simple really.
I need to update the page I made for her with the additions from the care notes from before I got taken into care, I know it’ll give more context to the reader but don’t really wanna keep putting myself through going through the documents time and time again, so I just ran them through Opus API and got it to pick out extracts from a 300 page document from all the occurrences of emotional abuse I had going on at my parents, reported by social workers not myself, as I was younger than 11-10 at the time.
I’ve been debating whether to continue therapy or not, I’m not sure it’s helping at this point as no one can really justify the things that have gone on for me and processing it just doesn’t seem possible at the moment for me. It's not to say my therapist isn't anything other than amazing, but I'm starting to come to the conclusion that healing just isn't possible for everyone. The closest I’ve come to processing much of anything is posting what others have done wrong visibly for others to see. Some might think that what I have to say is irrelevant due to the MH issues that I’ve obviously developed over time whilst going through so many abusive systems and people. But with everything I’ve had go on I’m not really sure what else people would expect someone to turn out like after they’ve had the things I’ve had happen to me, happen to them.
Looking forward to when I get paid in a week so I can get a supply of alcohol and benzos to last me some, I don’t wanna have to feel a single thing this Christmas and I shouldn’t really have to. As long as Marleys got and had everything he needs, I’m happy to just to sleep for the remainder of Christmas as much as possible.