It’s 9:30pm and I’m having a PTSD episode. I’ve I have no idea why but I just keep going over and over the events that have happened that past 6-12 months. It’s like a movie that stays on repeat don’t matter whether I like it or not. I have tried amples of different methods but nothing seems to prevent be from having the meltdowns that come with due course. I’ve upped my tramadol temporarily to help with the situation, but that doesn’t see, to be helping other than keeping my pain at bay, which I can’t entirely complain about.
I’ve done my very fucking best to play by the rules but the rules don’t seem to be relevant. I’ve tried being responsible on tramadol to get a prescription but it doesn’t seem to really matter, it doesn’t seem like I’m ever going to be treated like a normal human being don’t matter how much I try. Tramadol has less than 1/5th the opioid in it than morphine does, but my doctor still seems to be focused on opioid addiction rather than pain management, I never feel like I’m going to win. The only thing that’s making me moderately happy it getting back certain people, which I can’t go into to much detail off, but recently it’s helped with the PTSD knowing I’m causing distress to those that have caused me distress. I’ve tried my very best to do the right thing and play by the rules, but it doesn’t matter what I do I still feel like I’m going to be treated like a piece of shit and not even given the basic human right of pain killers to help see me through day to day.
The build up of anger has resulted in me just feeling depressed constantly, but also putting my anger into new projects which will by the looks of it, hopefully cut a profit. I shouldn’t have to pay £100 a month for my tramadol, and £800 a month for for my medical cannabis, those who don’t have to pay for such a thing struggle to understand why and how I do, but that shouldn’t matter. What matters is the fact that bar what other people have told me and put me through, I’ve continued to fight and make life hell for the opposition at all times, don’t matter who that might be. The NHS, social services, whoever. No action goes unpunished, I make sure of that and if I can’t get justice, I get my own form of social justice.
Christmas has been especially hard this year. I really wanted to have family to spend it with, but who am I kidding, the only chance I have of family is making my own and keeping them as far away as possible from my own family. That’s pretty much why I adopted the alias/name of Stitch, because of his values, and his pursuit to create his own family even if he lacked his own. However, despite that all, the only way I see possible for me to get even with the people who have done me wrong is to cause as much misery for them as they have for me. This isn’t revenge talking, it’s justice. I may lurk in the shadows but remember if you have done me wrong, it doesn’t matter if your part of some government institution, I will still have my way with you, even if you might not know it’s me. And what used to be the hard to bare part, that I’m getting justice on people without them knowing or not knowing it was me, well that has gone. Because I had realized once someone has shined your name in the light, it doesn’t matter, the internet is written in ink not pencil and there’s no removing it.
I hope over the next few days I can work further on the projects that will help me take my mind of things, I look forward to Therapy on Thursday, but fear I may not have anything to say due to how overwhelming things have been. I worry that as my mindset gets worse, my actions will become more reckless and hurt more people. That’s not my intentions, but at some point if the systems in place are not going to get justice for the people that have given power to those systems, then people must redeem power back themselves.
Kind Regards,
Stitch