For the last week now I think it’s been, my sleep has been totally trash. It’s having pretty much a knock on effect to everything at the moment and naturally because I can’t get as much sleep, I haven’t been handling pain as easily and have had to have breakthrough doses of tramadol, but I’m only using 50-100mg as breakthrough every 24hrs. I could probably really about do with a course of diazepam, but I’m still waiting to hear back from my doctor whether she’s going to give me a chance with prescribing or not, if not I’m just going to do a 5 day course of 15mg a day and then revert back to tramadol I think. I’ve managed to loosen some of the most tightest fascia and muscles, to the point where you can feel where one side of my body is tense and the other side not so much on my neck, with it perturding to one side and the other side almost flat going inwards due to muscle train. Just massaging around my ears causing cracks really fucking loud in my shoulders, and just doing that tonight with a extra dose of tramadol has relaxed some of the most tightest knots, but like a rope when you get rid of one not the pressure pings to where another knot is located. I wish I could take anti-inlamatorys if I hadn’t had such a bad experience with them, doctors seem to think I’m difficult when I tell them I can’t take it or it effects my athsma but I’d rather be inflamed than not be able to breathe.
The PTSD stuff is getting so overwhelming that I think it’s the other half of the reason of what’s been effecting my sleep. I don’t know if it’s just because it’s around the holidays, but yeah I keep having flash backs of events both recently within the last year and all the way back to my childhood. I really want my doctor to tell me whether she’s going to prescribe so I can have a period of not having to deal with it by using xanax. Five days of diazepam and xanax whilst having a tolerance break from tramadol wouldn’t be such a bad idea for muscle knots and PTSD, I just gotta set a end date as I have so many that I just wouldn’t stop and that’s been the issue before.
I’ve had to stop myself several times the past few days from dumping my treasure trove of doxes on the internet to watch people squirm. I have a good portion of the people who I’ve posted about’s dox, the picture for the female police officer is wrong I just haven’t updated it yet but yeah, I’ve had to stop myself from posting information both on family members, NHS and social workers etc. I know at that point, if I was to do it under my name I would be signing my own prison sentence, right now I’m protected because the things I’ve posted about on here are factual and true. Not that their doxes wouldn’t be factual 😅 but that would be a hard one to argue my way out of. I’ve had texts from my mum but if I’m honest, whenever I think of them I just think about the shit they put me through recently in the past year and then the way they treated me as a kid, and I just don’t want to bother. If you can’t think of your own mother without having a PTSD trip, I think that answers itself on whether you should stay in contact or not. I don’t know how I’m gonna get my head out the gutter at the moment, I just need my doctor to come back to me finally with a answer which is most likely going to be that she won’t prescribe any pain relief so I can do a course of valium and xanax. If she does prescribe that will be great, but who am I kidding going by anything other than what past has dictated would be stupid. Hopefully I can get some sleep before therapy later because I haven’t slept all night again, because it’s seriously impacting my sucidal ideation to the point where even cannabis isn’t helping and I’m worried it’s pushing me to far over the edge without a break at the moment.