Waking up at 1am is never a good start, 2 tramadol and some super silver haze tends to mitigate that though. Knocked myself out last night by eating more than I have in the last two weeks, found that I was only eating every 2 or 3 days and would be a medium sized meal at best, but last night I tried to get something more hearty in me and had a red wine steak dinner - wasn’t half bad, but sent me straight to sleep pretty much.
Woke up and decided to empty out my email inbox which has been haunting me for way too long now. Went from tens of thousands of emails to around 250 important ones kept, always feels good to declutter what I can where I can. Would be good to actually get some more housework done today, but I’m feeling fucking rough lately which has had a knock on effect to pain. I started getting some weird pain in my ear earlier, massaged my chest to where my whole body cracked and it just faded, fibromyalgia my ass this shit is defiantly fascia and muscle related. I never one had an issue with fibromyalgia as a condition, but It’s pretty evident that I don’t have it when I don’t suffer with any nerve pain at all, it all seems to be fascia and muscle related with fibromyalgia is primarily nerve based. Anyone that would have taken ten minutes to listen to me would know that, but my NHS records have been written by people who haven’t even done that and have written their own bullshit to fit the picture of what they trying to say I have.
I decided if I’m ever gonna feel somewhat better in life, I probably need to get my ass out the UK at one point or another. That isn’t a this year or next kinda thing, but knowing that I’m never really gonna feel happy here due to the way various systems have treated me and the PTSD skid mark that’s left on my mind, I definitely feel that at one point or another I need to get the fuck outta dodge. I’m lucky that my current side project is doing quite well, I’ve had 4 beta testers for a little bit now, and I’m looking to make the project public asap. I still need to work on various parts of the code, middlewear to prevent L7 attacks and bot signups/logins, better payment portal flow and a few other things. Nothing really major as everything functions just fine, just need to smooth out the edges on some things but thats a post for another time in the coding space.
For the past half a week, I’ve been drafting the post to put up for the police incidents and a page specifically for my parents to properly put across my point of view for both the incidents that have happened and the way I’ve been treated over the years. I’ve mentioned it a few times over the past week, which is why I think my mum popped up last night trying to sweet talk me into being nice again. Nothing I’m afraid is going to stop me from posting what I feel has gone on to make it clear as day what the reality really is, and not in a malicious way either as I have proof and facts to back up any accusations I’ve made in the blog posts and have made sure to include them with everything I write about in the drafts I make. It saddens me to write it and not have a family around for Christmas, but I’m not gonna let this shit fuel my PTSD any longer and I feel the best way to do that is making public the true nature of what has happened. Both over the past year and growing up to.
Going to try put an actual decent food order in today and get stocked up for the winter period, need some more hearty food to get back on my feet and get more productive with coding, as not taking care of my eating patterns isn’t benefiting any productive work I wanna get done and just slows me down and makes me groggy. But due to my PTSD I’ve just been on edge for a while now and my eating fell right through the floor, but I’m gonna do my best to get it back up to scratch over the coming weeks and hopefully have my side project public by the new year, or that’s the optimistic hope anyway.