Last couple days have been brutal for sleeping at night, I get to sleep mostly fine but then I wake with multiple panics in multiple sweats throughout the night. Last night it happened at least twice, if not more, and I didn’t end up getting up till like 1pn because of it. I would slam a benzo before sleeping if I wasn’t trying somewhat to get on this tramadol prescription.
I ended up having a meltdown about that earlier, was unexpected but felt partially PTSD induced, partially stressed. But I just had it in my head that I’ve just put myself through a situation again where I’m hoping on something that most likely won’t materialize. It ended up in a negative loop cycle in my head until I just spazzed out. I’m not sure why I’m not using cannabis at these moments like I should be because that’s exactly what helps at moments like this, but I just hit the sofa and fell asleep with the dog. Woke up feeling somewhat better, took two tramadol and had a coffee which has helped some. I still feel massively negative about the tramadol prescribing situation though, I’m not even sure where it came from but I just had a black cloud decent over the ideal and situation and now it feels like it was a waste of time going to try and get prescribed over time because no one is going to give me a prescription even though people I know are prescribed multiple drugs for pain. And you know what? I don’t even know why I’m pissed, I have enough Tramadol to see me through for quite a while, not being on a script I’m not constrained to only taking tramadol from doing drug tests and overall apart from struggling to get the particular brand I want, I can get tramadol from a friend just fine. I think it’s the fact that I’ve opened myself up again to the NHS just for them to most probably say no, I’m not sure why I did that.
I’ve been offering various people free sites recently, as I don’t really have any stuff to show people or put on my CV so figured I should start building some free sites for people to both get some experience and have some references on my CV. Coding is the only thing that takes my mind of things, and whilst various NHS people say just use distraction to advert pain like my doctor did when I seen her at my last appointment. The amount of pain I’m in on a daily basis that doesn’t let up & is far too much to be able to possibly function with, without having some type of pain relief. And at the end of the day, after they initially had me on morphine for a year and a half, why the fuck shouldn’t I be entitled to some pain medication with the amount of pain disorders I currently have diagnosed? I fear that getting turned down for this script which is a high probability is going to end up making me lose my shit and doing something reckless, but with the things I’ve gotten up to which I would be a retard for posting about o here, I can’t say there’s much more reckless I can become when it comes to taking my anger out on people relentlessly without any fuck given.
I’m at that point where I feel numb enough from all the bullshit that a train could hit me and I wouldn’t feel it, kind of like depersonalization but not quite the same. I’m tired of the bullshit with the NHS & Police and I hope that my solicitor can hold them accountable for the things that have happened to me. It’s getting harder to compartmentalize this shit and not let it affect me on a regular basis without having to have some type of control over it. Night terrors are the worst waking up in a fucking pool of sweat hyperventilating, feeling like you’ve just woken up from getting chased by a lion. I never usually recall what the dream/nightmare was when I wake up in these states though, only when I wake up in less intense ways do I recall what is usually always a nightmare. Cannabis used to help me get a full nights sleep but it’s becoming less so, it always helps me get to sleep I couldn’t get to sleep without it. But I’m finding over time it isn’t keeping me asleep like I’d like it to. I guess if this script falls through I should start taking a 10mg diazepam before going to bed and seeing if that gets me through the night, or possibly look at nitrazepam as that’s literally it’s purpose and it’s cheaper for me than diazepam however it cannot be used as long term as diazepam can I don’t believe. If I get this script I wont even contemplate taking alternative drugs to not fuck it up as I’m sure they’ll want me to do random drug tests to see if I’m taking benzos, but if I don’t get the script I guess it just gives me more drive to try other drugs and see what might or might not work for me.
Peace out,
Stitch