After not sleeping the whole night, I think it’s safe to say my mind is fucking fried. I made a two posts this morning, one being about the actions of my mum and how they’ve harmed me and another explaining why I was in the right to post it. I realized after some time, I never made the post explaining why I was in the right to post because I feared I was in the wrong, but because deep down I feel conflicted on where I stand morally with things.
However much people may think the opposite, I actually don’t like inflicting hurt on people especially family. But the thing is I’m tired of people not feeling the same when it comes to me. Whenever my mum breaks during an argument between us, I usually give over, give her a hug, called it a day and look to fix things. When I breakdown during the same situation, she just turns the knife in deeper to hurt me more, so what am I supposed to do?
I don’t want to cause hurt to my family, however much they’ve failed to be one, but at the same time I’m sick of the narrative being I’m a bad person and everything is my fault. Where am I supposed to do to get my voice heard and where is my justice?
Truth be it I would honestly like to get on with my family, especially being the holidays, but every time I go near them they start blaming me for everything from today all the way back to when I was a kid. Who needs that and how is it productive? I’m not going to be made out to be the issue and be stamped on any longer, it’s about time people seen the whole picture, not just what others want you to see.
So that leaves me stuck in a position of be consistently walked over by my family and continuously make up with them just to eventually, surely, be treated like shit again because they have some animosity towards me due to the fact that I decided to go into foster care. Or, part ways and tell my story for how things really have happened, what would you do? I could just walk away, but I’m sick and tired of people having the last say on the narrative and it being wrong, with this site despite what has happened, I get to set the record straight for what really happened and how it effected me, I’ve just not been as morally conflicted when it comes to posting about other people as I have with her.
I doubt I will revoke the page but I will definitely give myself time to think over it today, I just wanna feel better about things and heal but it feels like slow going and I sometimes wonder and doubt if I ever will. One things for sure and it’s that I can’t wait to take a xanax after I finally get confirmation tomorrow about my prescribing situation, it’s been one shitfilled christmas, let alone year and I’m very much ready to take 2mg of xanax and pass the fuck out for a while.