After a super long sleep which I really fucking needed, I woke up last night and my body hadn’t reverted to it’s original fucked and twisted up state that it was previously in the areas that I had worked on for fascia adhesion and knots which I was pretty ecstatic about. The doggo loved the sleep in with me on my pillow and has gratefully been really understanding during this period, I think the new dog walker I got for him has been doing wonders as I do give a shit about him regardless of what my parents make out. I was going through my social care records last night from when I had a care act assessment, and they basically read like “Everything’s fucked for him, but the dog still looks well, healthy and happy.” Accusing me of not looking after the dog properly was just my parents using the police as weapons and I’m glad (and hopeful) that the police see it that way now. I have no doubt that them reading my care records and seeing the consistent pattern of exaggerated and conflict driven behaviour noted by multiple professionals involved in my life, made them think twice about simply acting on whatever was being said about me. I'm not saying I haven't made some regretable comments, but these usaully follow up after being taunted and triggered by my parents on purpose over the phone. Then they take the outburst I've had at them over text to say, look at him, he's unstable and abusive. Similar to the pattern workers picked up on when I was a kid "a vicious circle here, with C getting angry at not being allowed any freedom, and parents thinking that his anger is proof that he can't be trusted and allowed any more freedom." They wind the shit out of me and then persecute me for being angry. And when I don't give in like recently they get angry because I see right through them and won't let them win.
I regret a lot doing no comment throughout my interviews as I could have stated the actual turn of events, which was being hit in the face by my mum and across the back of the head by my stepdad Lee and being on the floor when the police arrived because of that. It’s hard to accuse me of assault when I was the one on the floor holding the door shut because my stepdad was trying to batter me. However I just wanted to get out of custody at the time and my solicitors were heavily advising me to no comment the interview, as for someone who’s neurodivergent it would be easy for them to try and twist my words, so I just followed their advise regrettably.
The PTSD that remains from these situations though is very much vivid, still burning with rage and I will never forgive my family for the stress and trauma they’ve put me through since I was a kid. Which has been recorded and evidenced by everyone but me up until now, which means I don’t even have to worry about having my words twisted and used against me as defamation as these things are recorded by “professionals” which in my experience are on a higher pedestal than god, for better or for worse. I’ve considered putting together a court type package of information that I would use if/when (who knows with them) my parents take social services to court, where I can document everything they did which would have caused the intervention of social services as well as the appropriate removal of her kids. I’m pretty sure for their case to be successful, they would have to hear my side of the story since I was the one who subsequently got put into foster care based on their bad parenting. And it would help to have a package ready to use which documents all of this.
I started thinking bigger than just social care records, and started going through my health records from when I was a kid which I have access to and came across so many times professionals raised concerns about their emotionally harming parenting style and the effects it would have on both me and my sister. I didn’t have to do much as I got AI to search for not just names, but context of wrongdoing which was handy given my health records are thousands of pages long since my mum had a obsession of taking me to the doctors or similar agencies for my behaviour. Yet the amusing thing is no one found any issues with my behaviour, on the contrary they found concerns with how my parents treated me not just at home, but infront of professionals themselves. It’s crazy to think that they thought it was always my fault and punished me for professionals telling them off, which was a negative cycle that servilely impacted me as a kid and still has to this day. Silencing me has never worked, as others involved have already discovered. Attempts to suppress or rewrite the record consistently lead to greater scrutiny and more documentation, not less. I realise going forwards the only effective way to protect myself and seek accountability, given the lack of meaningful police action, is to document publicly exactly what my parents are like, using evidence to support every claim.
I’ve become cold as fuck this holiday season in relation to life itself. The reasons why aren’t important, but what is important is how intend to get justice for the injustices I’ve suffered with at the hands of those who’s jobs it is to help me, not hurt me. When I look at extreme cases where people completely break under prolonged abuse and silencing, I can understand how sustained injustice and record distortion can push people to the edge. Without access to documentation, the internet, and the ability to preserve evidence, I don’t know how I would have survived psychologically. Being able to correct the record has been the difference between coping and completely collapsing. I think about this a lot, even at a time where I’m trying to get better and actively see progress since I’ve managed to demangle a lot of my fascia these past few days and have had life altering differences on pain and functionality. But I’m continuing to take it easy and rest so these things don’t just rebound again straight away.
I found two certifications I’d like to get stuck in to in the coming weeks once my body feels manageable on a day to day basis. The first being a Zend Certified PHP Engineer certification and either a CompTIA Network+ or CCNA certification. Both seem to be the right pathways after looking extensively into the best things to do. I was so caught up with the fact of having to either go to college or to university and the fucking ballache and time that would come with that. However it seems completely unnecessary given that university courses being 5 years long, by the time you complete it things have fucking changed drastically in the things your learning as coding languages and frameworks evolve quickly these days. I’m happy with my ability to be able to build bespoke applications and websites that would meet a clients need, I just need the fancy badge and certificate which says I’m not bluffing to be able to build a decent portfolio. I’m looking at building a portfolio website soon and looking to try and find some clients that would want a site done for free to be able to put on such portfolio and as a reference as I really need something to distract me from the PTSD that plagues my mind day in, day out.
I know my parents probably love seeing how the things they’ve done effects me, so I’m trying to have a more positive outlook on things by putting my energy into stuff like moving, the certifications I’ve mentioned and then when things get tough and I need a outlet, depicting my care and health records like I have been to show exactly what my parents have been like to me throughout my life. Some might say that’s a toxic outlet, but the way I see it is I’ve had so many people run me down, break me and blame me for their own wrongdoings that I think it’s about time to show people up for their own actions when shits really hitting the fan that hard and getting me down. That way I can shift my brain into thinking, “This wasn’t your fault, you have the evidence in front of you to prove it, it’s just up to you to put it together in a way that both you and other people can clearly see and understand the bigger picture.” This is about the most therapeutic way I can picture seeking relief in times of distress from PTSD and reliving the events that have happened for me. I know my parents are probably sat there reading my posts thinking
• “How could he do this to us?”
• “After everything we’ve done”
• “He’s trying to ruin our lives”
• “This is abuse towards us”
• “We don’t control the narrative anymore”
Which aligns well with their fantasy views of -
• “We tried our best”
• “We’re the real victims”
• “Professionals were against us”
• “He’s difficult / unstable / exaggerating”
But I've learned this is extremely common in people who relied on silence and confusion to stay on top, and I won't be staying silent anymore just to please those who have hurt me and caused me harm.