Thought I’d check in since it’s been a minute, haven’t been feeling that great but better since I cut family off again recently. Showed a few people the texts I was getting, as well as the full context of the conversation before things would erupt, and helps that other people can see the abusive attitude of my family not just myself. Still feels brutal to cut family off, even if they’re toxic. It’s a hard decision cutting off family when you only have one, but it’s better than having your energy drained by people messaging starting arguments over nothing or bullshit. I don’t initiate any arguments, but when I finally snap back I get framed to be “abusive” or funnily, a “bully.”
Finally got my Rosin arriving today from the pharmacy. Couldn’t have come at a better time if I’m honest with all the stress I’ve had recently, with people wanting me to take down content from the site and other shit to. I’ve pledged to myself not to revoke any content from the site, as I’m tired of abusive people silencing me like they’ve done for many years. If they don’t want stuff posted publicly, they shouldn’t have caused harm in the first place is the way I see it. Silencing people is a classic trait of abusive people, as they don’t want to be seen as what they truly are in public. That’s why I’ve posted evidence where I can (and have been given access to.) So that people can’t pick apart what I have to say and if they really want me to sensor myself, then they’re going to have to take me to court which I’m very much ready for. I still have flashbacks of being stamped on by the police and also being dragged out my mums house after being assaulted by her and her husband, so no ones wining in this situation. They think they were clever by getting me fucked up by the police, twice. That's fine, but deal with the consequences of my care records being online for everyone to see exactly what they're like, because I promise they aren't coming down anytime soon. I don't exactly like my business being public, but I'd rather the documents be online for everyone to see exactly what parents they are and I've already been given approval by several people in the council to make them public. I'll never be able to reverse the damage they've done, before them causing trouble I'd never been in custody, had my finger prints taken, or the stress that comes with it. So I'm just shining the light on what a piece of shit they really are.
I'll be updating the care note notes extracts page soon, as there is much more evidence of abusive and manipulative behaviour in the hundreds of pages of documents I have. I also requested a digital copy of my health records and I know there's a ton of bad stuff in there which makes them look bad from when I read through the paper documents, so I'll be compiling a bigger and better page for it soon. Even if they went for a harrasmment restraining order, it's extremely unlikely they'd get it as they'd need a very high burden of proof and they wouldn't be able to just show selective messages like they've done to the police, where I've kicked off after multiple threats and they make me out to be the bad person. Something they did extensively as a kid and I'm glad is recorded in my care records. Should they even get a order (very unlikely), it wouldn't prevent me from being able to journal my past experiences with them in a non harassing manor as I've continued to do even with all the threats being thrown at me both by the NHS and them.
Finally started eating better and getting two meals in me a day. Which isn’t half bad considering I was eating once every 2-3 days and the amount of weight I was losing was worrying even myself. Gained enough energy to get the dog out more, so just tryna take wins where I can get them. My tramadol script has not long left before it gets switched to a 1-2 week pickup, which is a relief as daily pickup is a bitch but hasn’t been to bad as I’ve needed to go out recently daily for one reason or another and beats having to buy it. I’ve only needed to use 50mg on some days, but last couple days I’m back up to 200-250mg a day, which I’m sure will revert when my rosin comes today.
Mood seems to have mostly stabilised since being back in therapy, but depression swings are still very much present like tonight. Hoping that will also pickup with the Rosin I have coming, but not so sure with everything I have going on. Trying not to lean too much on my therapist between sessions so just holding out for next week, but it’s difficult none of the less when I’ve cut most people off recently. Haven’t been able to sleep with vivid nightmares for as long as I can remember now which hasn’t been helping, but again, hoping the rosin will knock me out and put me into REM sleep fairly easily. Had muscle knots building up more and more in my arms and legs and I can’t quite figure out why when I’ve been doing mostly everything correctly to try and rectify my health, which is discouraging but still just keeping on with trying to feel better. Hopefully the next few days picks up, we’ll see.