Eh, waking up to none of your favorite coffee left is never a good morning, getting paid definitely helps mitigate that though. Just paid out all the bills I need to keep me going for now, fucking hate having to pay for cannabis clinician appointments but it is what it is. I’ve mulled it over enough times leaving medical cannabis but the truth is I have no realistic chance of finding cannabis on the blackmarket that tops both the THC content and quality for the price that I’m getting on medical cannabis, and that’s the sad truth. I need max THC to be helping with pain and PTSD episodes like those that I’ve been having the last fews days.
The good news is I recounted my tramadol and I’m up higher than I originally thought I was. I originally thought the tramadol I had was sketchy but after testing it, they seem to check out. Was thinking of getting some more but I’m gonna wait to see what my doctor says on my appointment on the 16th, the problem is everyone she’s going to consult with I’ve had a barney with at one point or another or even have their names placed on the site like the pain professor, so the realistic chance that she’s going to prescribe anything is slim to none.
It still baffles me that I’m in the position I am, after being mistreated by so many services that are supposed to help you but I am glad I guess that I found a medication that works so well for me. Before I would be practically drinking morphine and going through packets and packets of codiene, as they help with the initial pain but didn’t provide any longer term pain relieving effects. Tramadol on the other hand seems to work well for 6hrs and then tails off, but doesn’t get brutal till I’ve gone without it for 24hrs. It’s just a shame I’ve had to endure this journey on my own with no support from the NHS in anyway, I guess continuing to release things about the people that have is my best way to feeling better. The issue I have is every time I go to write about the things that have happened to me, I often have a meltdown. So whilst it does help in the long run to have things published against those who have wronged me, in the moment and at the time of writing it’s fucking brutal.
I opened the mail in what seemed like the first time in forever today, to find a letter from my solicitor regarding my ongoing sexual abuse case. I haven’t really been able to decipher what it’s about - something to do with compensation recovery unit in the GOV, however it details that no payment is required from me so I’m not even gonna try to work it out until my solicitor emails me back to provide a better explanation of it.
Hopefully todays not to difficult, I’m trying for once to plan shit out so that I don’t end up at shit creek without cannabis like I had been for the last two days, however when you use as much as I do it’s fucking hard to ration out. I need to start reminding myself to take tramadol at certain times as I think I was ending up in pain from missing doses and using more cannabis subsequently, I also find the the rosin carts are one of the only things that helps with breakthrough pain sufficiently, so I’m gonna do a two month script when it comes time for my cannabis appointment and fill half my script with them. I still need the terps that flower provides for mood, but for everything else the rosin carts seem to work amazing for it.
Going to visit a girl today so can’t see it being all that bad of a day, hopefully that’ll allow me to get out of my own head for a while as it seems don’t matter what I do I can’t stop thinking about everything, I guess that’s why they call it PTSD though. I’m thinking about adding a mood/pain level for the blog posts I make, thought it might help me detail the way I’m feeling a bit better if this is to be a journal. I don’t mind the site being semi private/public as I’m pretty much at the point of not seeing much to loose, and the visibility of the site detailing what those have done wrong I know is pissing of those who I have wrote about, the traffic patterns don’t lie. About the only thing that’s given me something to relieve my mind on is the new IT series, that shit slaps as well as “The last frontier” series. Was pleasantly surprised to find the niche actor Jason Clarke in final frontier, hard to find something to watch that makes you forget about everything but they seemed to have helped some.